Thursday, September 27, 2007
I won't take away my tag board now. But one day maybe. Please stop using Conan's name. Well if you hate me you can jolly deal with me one to one. Amateur rookie eh... =D So I see you are not happy in your life you are a good player in this field man... so I know what do you do and feel most of your life. Unconsciously you open yourself up to me. Tag more. You trying to help me to see my friends by telling me all that or ruining me? Man I guess you are so hardcore that you forget and get confuse by the actual purpose. Well whether I know you not... You sound familiar and if I am not wrong I know you.=) How vulnerable all of us were.
I won't act all hardcore or strong that I did not waver at your words. Yes I think and get upset thinking someone so close to me actually talk bad about me. Thinking twice if you know me well enough I won't stop friending someone who did talk bad bout me. Everyone have opinions and yes if any of them did that trust me, admit it to me yourselves and we will talk, nicely, and yes, just talk to me. You all heard it my friends.
Move on.
Have been hanging out alot.
*Bunny and me at my hse bustop
*My prized possession
* Its shade Ribena and cigarettes this day =P
*Wanting a very myspace moment with Josh. (he was forced)
Oh my court CWO. Gotta go back in a month time. Damn. Saw Ziyang there the Kimek Warslut =) Thought can be in the same batch mine later.
Oh yes I need a break. Going shopping with mum after school later.
Now its very random.
Aura.
Talking to Bunny Aura the other day.
I try to simplify it and some are my own perceptions.
Aura is a subtle field of colors that maybe seen surrounded a person. Its is also a kind of energy that radiate(the colors each represent a different precise emotion) from a person. It does affect the people surround if they are connected. Connected in the sense that part of the brain which we do not use has some near activation. You may not know each other.
It was said we could actually see the colors. Rejoice. Interesting. This is how:
(usually white light is what you see first)
Relax and stare at the person. Look abit to the top or the sides. As the ability is further strengthen more colors will appear. Don't get too excited the colors will disappear. Ty again. Its better to see in darkness with little lights from any sources is okay.
To see own aura look into the mirror.
Now some people think its paranormal but its a kind of energy to me. You are feeling something very strongly and you want the person to feel it. Think of it and try to connect. It works sometimes if the charges can connect.
Random.
Mindless Self Indulgence rocks my undies. Fucking rad band. I <3>
(bitches, faggots)
Muse.Shrinking universe. Orgasmic. Really. Imagine all the world is dying and just fucking(I mean really fuck) your way to die. Sex in the debris.
(hysteria is another nice one from them)
Bless the fall. Higinia. See how they move in the video. Man I can grind on my screen. Ok the music is really good. Energy. Song for grandma. Higinia.
(Man like you make us look bad, black rose dying)
Random.
Attempt.
Its a rewind where nothing is the story
where everything become distant
the breathe the longing wash away by distance
The dance gotta stop and dancer apart
came the time realities hit back.
The brain intoxicated with numbness
window the world with heavy life
and pains
When...
can you see
feel and understand
only one can comprehend
the only drugged one.
Random.
Found a very rock and roll picture in my comp.
Oh its a different shade. Chanel =)
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Beautiful set in the video.
Coin operated boy
Sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
But i turn him on and he comes to life
Automatic joy
That is why i want a coin operated boy
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend....
Coin operated boy
All the other real ones that i destroy
Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
Never let him go and i'll never be alone
Not with my coin operated boy......
This bridge was written to make you feel smittener
With my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
I didnt think so but im still convinceable
Will you persist even after i bet you
[Coin-operated Boy lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
A billion dollars that i'll never love you
Will you persist even after i kiss you
Goodbye for the last time
Will you keep on trying to prove it?
I'm dying to lose it...
I want it
I want you
I want a coin operated boy.
And if i had a star to wish on
For my life i cant imagine
Any flesh and blood could be his match
I can even take him in the bath
Coin operated boy
He may not be real experienced with girls
But i know he feels like a boy should feel
Isnt that the point that is why i want a
Coin operated boy
With his pretty coin operated voice
Saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
Straight and to the point
That is why i want
A coin operated boy.
Too perfect its not real.
Do they really love do they really care?
Do they cry when you left do they run and chase?
Or will they operated just like for any other girls that put in a coin?
If things would be that easy
I would create more than one then!
Actually I want someone to fight back bleed and feel.
I used to think deep and alot. But not now anymore since reality check doesn't get a pass. Brushing all things like wind swishing by. I chose not to care where the wind is blowing from how how fast they move. And all this I seem always getting by life on the surface only.
I guess I am changing again.
The deeper I goes in the thought I see more things arising. And all the suppression has gone too far now. They springing out. Just like the clown coming out and you realise it is there and you hate it. I start to get angry depress frustrated disappointed (add all negatives emotions)~ Don't get me wrong its not just relationship there are much more stuff in life stuff. More than that although thats also a part that jolted this train.
Because wanting to get out hurt I did stuff I actually regret. I mask myself as if I really feel that way. Wanted to do something yet lack of self discipline. Somethings just get so sick. It never seem to end. I even got scare of myself. Why am I doing some stuff that I shouldn't be doing? Why do I still masking myself? Sometimes I got lost inside myself.
Long long time ago I am xiuxian and now I live by Trish or Fox. Which is better?
My extremity kills me. I have been getting out and hanging more than before. I am much more happier cheerful when I am outside yet much more sadder depress when I am alone than before
Court is a few more hours to go. I know that the result no imprisonment. But some part of me is still abit unstable. I want no one there. So that I can just cry alone when I get through all this shit. I know that after the court, its my last hurdle for this period, the last piece of trouble that is tugging me. And let out all the hurt pain anger once and for all.
I need a good cry out.
And then most prolly meet up with peeps for a good laugh and fire. Its the mooncake festival.
I had missed 4 years already and finally I am out. Its always this period I have a clash with law. Ironically I still have to go to court today.
I am suppose to be in school but I am home now. Thinking way too much.
I have courtroom phobias. I choose to go alone still. I don't know why.
Can someone please take me away...
I guess I am changing again.
The deeper I goes in the thought I see more things arising. And all the suppression has gone too far now. They springing out. Just like the clown coming out and you realise it is there and you hate it. I start to get angry depress frustrated disappointed (add all negatives emotions)~ Don't get me wrong its not just relationship there are much more stuff in life stuff. More than that although thats also a part that jolted this train.
Because wanting to get out hurt I did stuff I actually regret. I mask myself as if I really feel that way. Wanted to do something yet lack of self discipline. Somethings just get so sick. It never seem to end. I even got scare of myself. Why am I doing some stuff that I shouldn't be doing? Why do I still masking myself? Sometimes I got lost inside myself.
Long long time ago I am xiuxian and now I live by Trish or Fox. Which is better?
My extremity kills me. I have been getting out and hanging more than before. I am much more happier cheerful when I am outside yet much more sadder depress when I am alone than before
I know I shouldn't see you but I want to.
There is always this line that I never know if I am able to cross.
Going back isn't the same anymore. I always thougth otherwise.
Where are you when you are needed most?
Somehow its true get away from the usual crowd.
Court is a few more hours to go. I know that the result no imprisonment. But some part of me is still abit unstable. I want no one there. So that I can just cry alone when I get through all this shit. I know that after the court, its my last hurdle for this period, the last piece of trouble that is tugging me. And let out all the hurt pain anger once and for all.
I need a good cry out.
And then most prolly meet up with peeps for a good laugh and fire. Its the mooncake festival.
I had missed 4 years already and finally I am out. Its always this period I have a clash with law. Ironically I still have to go to court today.
I am suppose to be in school but I am home now. Thinking way too much.
I have courtroom phobias. I choose to go alone still. I don't know why.
Can someone please take me away...
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Hang out with Josh, Evon and Bunny. Met Josh at Bukit Batok... and accidentally make him waited for like I don't know ><>
And gotta wear spects cos no contacts lens. Damn the black rim spects look too 'rad' and I decided since i can see well i would rather wear shades. I know it doesn't give better vision but yea since its bad let it all bad.
hang out at Woodland have dinner at Mac then slack somewhere near Titanic. Cam whoring and stuff. Play around with Joshy guitar while he is emo-ing... And yes I was actually suppose the one who they should console but end up I am hyper there at the end of the day the 3 of them each have relationship issue. I guess its time not to swim around the problem anymore find a solution to swim out. But its not as easy. At some point you just get tired of suppressing and all the hard facts still slam at your face.
Anyway I am without makeup and eyes kind of swollen so the shade is not really a bad idea. Pictures!
Doped rockstar
Female band rocks
Lick and dig... digg this!
Fucken Fox
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Conan back to Singapore.
I used to think it was stupid to continue to stay by the person you love although you should not be already. How much I thought I was strong and tough how ignorant I can be... i can't walk away from my own emotion.
And I really just want to meet Conan and go... I thought I won't want to stay around any longer.
I even comtemplate going... but yea I still have to go.
The moment I see him its that wrenching feeling. 1 month of not seeing him and during that one month we get together and off... And how much during this period the need to see him was so strong that it make me tear at some nights. Finally the moment... its not that easy I expected and things I wanted to say doesn't come out as easy but yea it still came out. I wanted to show I am okay without him... but I can't fight the truth the tears. So much I want to tell him so much want to be just be beside him.
And I realise he is still the nice Conan just that nothing will ever go back to the same. The love the care the attention is all not the same anymore. He is facing with struggles himself... We listened and consoled each other like friends. Partly sad for what we had lost partly glad for what we still have.
I can't blame him having someone better. Someone who is worth for his love. At least she made him felt love rather than me giving him heartache for the love he gave before. Honestly in the first place I put him through hurt and pain. i didn't treasure him. I did not give him my best for him then. I wanted to do my best now and give but its too late just too late.
And I will still be there for him love him even he love someone else already. And yes deep down I do hope someday things will be better but I am not going to think anything further than that.
Bunny I finally understand loving and standing by the person you love no matter what... even our love will not be recipocrated. Even if he is telling you about his another love how painful it is for us to hear but you still wish all the best to him.
What we only ask for is the permission to allow us to be there for you no matter what circumstances and don't take us for granted.
Bittersweet chapter in my life.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Yes yes the video is up yoz.... Crazy fun with my bestie... kinda high on beer and on a dare to run on that hotel level with the least.. hilarious fuck.. suba our friendly cameraman the indian who appear errily sundden halfway LOL
And I am still waiting for other vids!!!!!!!
And yes fucking imposter say all you want LOL fool fool fool entertainment in my blog... well u hate me u are helping me in some way kiddo...I don't care if you put me down my life not dictate by you so yea you are entitle to your freedom of thoughts and speech... =D If there is hate there is love... there are enemies there are fans... so yea!! __ I am entitled too *wink
Conan coming back tomorrow =D I still do miss him =P well hope we can hang out well. =P
My eyes is like swollen =( due to the damn contact lens... eww.. and have to wear shades all day.. hang out with bestie at west mall today subway again =D
Monday, September 17, 2007
We broke up. It hurt me real DEEP. I cried real HARD. And it was really so BAD that I actually thought I will never SURVIVE this through. Always I thought I can't. The new Conan is just another person. So ANOTHER person that you believe there are two person. The Conan who... well you can read in my past blog is gone. He said it will never come back. NEVER. In the simple term love me no more.
And whoever that fucking sept 14 person who posted that even if it is the person itself. I hope you get herpes and then aids. Your family can just all go and DIE. FUCKING DIE. Damn you
Back to that. The lost the hurt the pain... I only can say it pushes me to the edge... EDGE godamn hell... I only can say emotionally drained and wrenched.
Best friend is the greatest. He stayed with me through frustration hand slashing, hospitalise for hyperventilation and the heart shattering break ups.
Frustration hand slashing- really I am no fucking emo wanna die but it was a frustration impulse
when I already face umpteen failures. And been crashed emotionally.
Hospitalise for hyperventilation- Overwhelm by all the stuff that has been going on. Court case, classes, my brother and Conan. Sometime life just get you all breathless and if you think 'like that also can' you are still a kid kiddo...
Heart shattering breakup- emotionally collapsed been wrenched... like man it was really horrible
It was bringing you the peak of the mountain and flung you down REAL HARD (with force) to the bottom of the ground. THAT PAIN.
Adriel(best fren) stayed throughout and take care of me. He do bring smile to me and make me laugh... good movie entertainment haaha... Thanks bestie!!!
I thought I will never recover... NEVER. But thanks best fren knowing me so well helping me out and know what can make me happy when every single fucking thing seem so bleak. I comtemplate in the hotel(explain later) for like a few hours should I do it or not partly I can't face the person but yet I know it well he can make all the bads seem unimportant. I go.
I breach my time cos I believe that that is what I needed most. The freedom, that little bit of enjoyment and Tim. Of course the whole company there were riot too. Its amazing how things are kept going on by them that the bads really gone. Bunny been there for me throughout I am really thankful. And you all tell me this the right thing to do. Assured. Cos at first I thought he will not want to see me for the reasons why I want to see him. The turn of emotions was so unexpected I nearly can't believe everything that happened. Its nice you say you care and worried and that little lie of your 'hand you slashed' XD I never expect things will be the same cos I know it is either better or worst. All of us (Bunny, Khai Suhoon, Zach, Tim and me) hang around till like 3plus am... first time since 2005 I hang out like that but yea facing the officers... Got home at 4am.
From then its midnight sunday till now in school monday afternoon... I won't lie to say I grow stronger or never recall anything its just that that pace I am forgetting, letting go and in search of something I don't know what.
Afterall Love isn't something that I am going to look about. It can't exist now.
Its happier having people that make you happy and important to you in your life. Status and selfishness shouldn't be an issue.
And whoever that fucking sept 14 person who posted that even if it is the person itself. I hope you get herpes and then aids. Your family can just all go and DIE. FUCKING DIE. Damn you
Back to that. The lost the hurt the pain... I only can say it pushes me to the edge... EDGE godamn hell... I only can say emotionally drained and wrenched.
Best friend is the greatest. He stayed with me through frustration hand slashing, hospitalise for hyperventilation and the heart shattering break ups.
Frustration hand slashing- really I am no fucking emo wanna die but it was a frustration impulse
when I already face umpteen failures. And been crashed emotionally.
Hospitalise for hyperventilation- Overwhelm by all the stuff that has been going on. Court case, classes, my brother and Conan. Sometime life just get you all breathless and if you think 'like that also can' you are still a kid kiddo...
Heart shattering breakup- emotionally collapsed been wrenched... like man it was really horrible
It was bringing you the peak of the mountain and flung you down REAL HARD (with force) to the bottom of the ground. THAT PAIN.
Adriel(best fren) stayed throughout and take care of me. He do bring smile to me and make me laugh... good movie entertainment haaha... Thanks bestie!!!
I thought I will never recover... NEVER. But thanks best fren knowing me so well helping me out and know what can make me happy when every single fucking thing seem so bleak. I comtemplate in the hotel(explain later) for like a few hours should I do it or not partly I can't face the person but yet I know it well he can make all the bads seem unimportant. I go.
I breach my time cos I believe that that is what I needed most. The freedom, that little bit of enjoyment and Tim. Of course the whole company there were riot too. Its amazing how things are kept going on by them that the bads really gone. Bunny been there for me throughout I am really thankful. And you all tell me this the right thing to do. Assured. Cos at first I thought he will not want to see me for the reasons why I want to see him. The turn of emotions was so unexpected I nearly can't believe everything that happened. Its nice you say you care and worried and that little lie of your 'hand you slashed' XD I never expect things will be the same cos I know it is either better or worst. All of us (Bunny, Khai Suhoon, Zach, Tim and me) hang around till like 3plus am... first time since 2005 I hang out like that but yea facing the officers... Got home at 4am.
From then its midnight sunday till now in school monday afternoon... I won't lie to say I grow stronger or never recall anything its just that that pace I am forgetting, letting go and in search of something I don't know what.
Afterall Love isn't something that I am going to look about. It can't exist now.
Its happier having people that make you happy and important to you in your life. Status and selfishness shouldn't be an issue.
Tomorrow post will be videos! Really riot! Carlsberg Advertisement, Hotel Rendeavous and exclusive Cigarette Sex promotion! XD (Adriel best fren, Suba and me)
Monday, September 10, 2007
Everybody.
Have you heard of Hey! Gorgeous... A Singapore show on beautiful people in local tertiary industry. I just watch the Temesek Poly episode. I know I just know that Singaporean still do not have an open mind. Exposing stuff trying to go further but just seem try too hard. And the media trying too hard to be like foreign successful variety shows. Making jokes on people. Local tried too hard it end up more of a mock or insult than a joke. Shame on the futile attempt. Only cause the 'victims' plastering a fake smile and you can tell it is weak.
Well well...Best friend and me are in the nomination. The reasons we joined(Yes we nominate ourselves to make a fool of ourselves) was in hope that they will accept something different.You get what we mean. But now on second thought considering the mindset of some Singaporean and especially the type of viewers... well prepare for attacks. And a third thought it is not sms voting so maybe that doesn't matter much. Hmm.. anyway vote for us no matter you are Singaporean or not or whatever races... here is the link:
My(Fox) link------- Vote for XX which is me [babe] =D
Best Friend Link--- Vote for Adriel my bestie [hunk] =D
BE KIND
I miss Conan. Where are you hunn.... arghhh! I know Brunei. I guess I want to talk to him. To feel the love and reassurance again. Patient~~ His computer spoilt overseas phonecards are pricey over there he have issues... am I giving excuses for myself or I fucking really need to have have patient... Damn Conan I can't take this anymore...
BE KIND
Can my fucking school just give me a call soon? To tell me if are they going to dismiss me not(ya ya I have lousy attendance). Irresponsible faggots. Did they ever think how anxious and not easy for me just to wait wait wait. Some adults are donkey humping turds! My school is Republic Poly heh Sue me. Call me you fools!
BE KIND
NEA is a blood sucking money vaccum agency. Just a fucking cigarette bud 200 bucks and the last time I place it behind the flowerbed and was still sitting there. They move like dogsstray dog. So fast out of nowhere. I did not fight back this time(3rd time how unlucky I can get) and give them my IC. I was thinking take those bucks and feed your damn dog family. Great. Insulting. Revenge. Fuck I am charge in court now. wagging their tongue off bark like Honestly. End of this month.
I have the name of that hungry dog. Sue me again sonafabitch.
Mr Mohamad Riduan bin Omar.
You suck your mum and sis tits and drink your dad deposits.
BE DEAD.
Have you heard of Hey! Gorgeous... A Singapore show on beautiful people in local tertiary industry. I just watch the Temesek Poly episode. I know I just know that Singaporean still do not have an open mind. Exposing stuff trying to go further but just seem try too hard. And the media trying too hard to be like foreign successful variety shows. Making jokes on people. Local tried too hard it end up more of a mock or insult than a joke. Shame on the futile attempt. Only cause the 'victims' plastering a fake smile and you can tell it is weak.
Well well...Best friend and me are in the nomination. The reasons we joined(Yes we nominate ourselves to make a fool of ourselves) was in hope that they will accept something different.You get what we mean. But now on second thought considering the mindset of some Singaporean and especially the type of viewers... well prepare for attacks. And a third thought it is not sms voting so maybe that doesn't matter much. Hmm.. anyway vote for us no matter you are Singaporean or not or whatever races... here is the link:
My(Fox) link------- Vote for XX which is me [babe] =D
Best Friend Link--- Vote for Adriel my bestie [hunk] =D
BE KIND
I miss Conan. Where are you hunn.... arghhh! I know Brunei. I guess I want to talk to him. To feel the love and reassurance again. Patient~~ His computer spoilt overseas phonecards are pricey over there he have issues... am I giving excuses for myself or I fucking really need to have have patient... Damn Conan I can't take this anymore...
BE KIND
Can my fucking school just give me a call soon? To tell me if are they going to dismiss me not(ya ya I have lousy attendance). Irresponsible faggots. Did they ever think how anxious and not easy for me just to wait wait wait. Some adults are donkey humping turds! My school is Republic Poly heh Sue me. Call me you fools!
BE KIND
NEA is a blood sucking money vaccum agency. Just a fucking cigarette bud 200 bucks and the last time I place it behind the flowerbed and was still sitting there. They move like dogsstray dog. So fast out of nowhere. I did not fight back this time(3rd time how unlucky I can get) and give them my IC. I was thinking take those bucks and feed your damn dog family. Great. Insulting. Revenge. Fuck I am charge in court now. wagging their tongue off bark like Honestly. End of this month.
I have the name of that hungry dog. Sue me again sonafabitch.
Mr Mohamad Riduan bin Omar.
You suck your mum and sis tits and drink your dad deposits.
BE DEAD.
Saturday. A friend the is name Nadia from Malaysia came over. Nice. Went to watch 1408 again. Indeed such a nice movie that search into your heart. More of your own Nemesis. It still give me the adrenaline. Went to have lunch at steakhouse but yea can't finish everything. Best friend was with me too. And actually it was because of best friend she came. I hope they work out well. Although the distance can be a quite of a problem but well work around that. I have to say bye after that and really felt bad not able to send to the airport. So best friend went with her. I have a promise to fulfill. Attend Cigarette Sex gig. So I went to Scarlet City and Ang Mo Kio Hub. I can't remember the other band name but there was this last band the vocalist is like obviously on something. He was really high up there and god... he seem to be doing a sex dance up there that is good LOL Khai was there. Evon and Josh were nice they came down and accompany me. Honestly I go for the gig for Cigarette Sex but end up they didn't get to play. Damnit. cos there is some cockups in the time management. It was really bad. And well you can see them angry. Tim is in Cigarette Sex and yea I do support his band. They were really nice one. A whole different feel and you must REALLY look at their deafcon 5 performance real good stuff(although I was late and miss them there are videos). Look at their bold and out of the box antics. Trust me you will love them. Evon and Josh saw Tim and they go wow he is so tall and damn he look like a prince. So yea I told him haaha. It was nice how we talk no difference from the past. Well I promise to attend his next gig for Tribute for Twin Tower at DxO. Psychotherapy will be there too. I can't wait for that. Anyway after that Bunny came and wanted catch a glimpse but too late. Went for Mac and rush home.
Friend from Malaysia
Nadia(Black Butterfly) and Me(Fox)
Be back soon its superb hanging out with you babe!
Sunday hang out with best friend at West Mall. Again. LOL Went for Mac. Again. Dinner. Thank god for him mann.. or I will not get to smoke he save my life!! =D
Pardon me if my post start to get more on relationship. Yea. Its like people being attach around and breaking ups so it kind of get me thinking. When a relationship happen it will have to stop one day. Its like there is a start there will be an end. And when the ending comes there will be discord and maybe its more difficult to handle. Sometime I think will it be better if it didn't have start at all? Taking an example like me and Tim we didn't even start so we don't really have an ending but of course the feelings there are nothing more than friend. We didn't lose what we have. We still talk everytime when each of us are online everyday.
Or maybe I can't face curtain down thats why the start and ending stuff .
I feel and see love in Conan. I know love is giving. Is that enough for me to be in a relationship. yea I just hope I can deal this whole love stuff just like life. Not care about anything cos what matter most is now whether you want to do it and if that makes you happy. Been through alot of craps like that so I always unconsciously step back and take more time and hesitation. Its like I made a decision and told Conan. Make it official until when he is back why? Separated for one month I have to make sure we can go on right.
The time we were separated by distance is longer than the time we were together.
I am worried. Not getting his calls or texts few days will I get use to not having him around.
Of course I don't want that to happen. Its like now. I do get a few texts and I know things are not going on right for him there. I want to be there. But replies shouldn't be a thing that I expect all the time. Considering the different location and cost. I took steps back already. I know he is feeling not great and the strong urge to make him happy... chances aren't there. That make me frustrated and helpless.
Damn I don't want to talk about it anymore. *forget
Anyway I would very much like to show pictures of my lil sis. She is having holidays and I felt that I should bring her out so I brought her out during one weekday... I apply thick eyeliner for her and mum goes berserk LOL
Anyway she is only 8 so pedophile you are welcome to ogle at her.
Sunday hang out with best friend at West Mall. Again. LOL Went for Mac. Again. Dinner. Thank god for him mann.. or I will not get to smoke he save my life!! =D
Pardon me if my post start to get more on relationship. Yea. Its like people being attach around and breaking ups so it kind of get me thinking. When a relationship happen it will have to stop one day. Its like there is a start there will be an end. And when the ending comes there will be discord and maybe its more difficult to handle. Sometime I think will it be better if it didn't have start at all? Taking an example like me and Tim we didn't even start so we don't really have an ending but of course the feelings there are nothing more than friend. We didn't lose what we have. We still talk everytime when each of us are online everyday.
Or maybe I can't face curtain down thats why the start and ending stuff .
I feel and see love in Conan. I know love is giving. Is that enough for me to be in a relationship. yea I just hope I can deal this whole love stuff just like life. Not care about anything cos what matter most is now whether you want to do it and if that makes you happy. Been through alot of craps like that so I always unconsciously step back and take more time and hesitation. Its like I made a decision and told Conan. Make it official until when he is back why? Separated for one month I have to make sure we can go on right.
The time we were separated by distance is longer than the time we were together.
I am worried. Not getting his calls or texts few days will I get use to not having him around.
Of course I don't want that to happen. Its like now. I do get a few texts and I know things are not going on right for him there. I want to be there. But replies shouldn't be a thing that I expect all the time. Considering the different location and cost. I took steps back already. I know he is feeling not great and the strong urge to make him happy... chances aren't there. That make me frustrated and helpless.
Damn I don't want to talk about it anymore. *forget
Anyway I would very much like to show pictures of my lil sis. She is having holidays and I felt that I should bring her out so I brought her out during one weekday... I apply thick eyeliner for her and mum goes berserk LOL
Anyway she is only 8 so pedophile you are welcome to ogle at her.
She have a monster sister
I Love her to bits
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Woo~ Pictures of me cam whoring on my webcam... and nope I there is no one at the other end watching...I am really bored so I have it into numerous version.
The original version
Cartooned
Flame
Old photo
Painting
Solarization
Friday, September 7, 2007
Making up for the times that I have not been posting... you could expect much from here. Anyway I may have post more if not for the poor connection I am using through Vodaphone. So yea I will try my best to enhance this post.
Yesterday went to watch a movie with best fren... unplanned. 1408. God I get orgasm watching that. No don't get me wrong its not erotic kind. Its about realities and dimensions. How powerful is the evil realm. Stuck. Despair. Helpless. Imagine being brought to a box facing all kind of evil and fear. No way out. The best part is there is no gory monster and ghost demons any kind. Its the mind the eyes the heart. Human. Our life biggest fears in been magnify and intensify by the evil. Just to bring us to kill ourselves. Stephen King book. I love him.
On top of that I watched Hostel and Hostel 2. About helplessness again.
Ahh... favorite part of Hostel 2. Been clutched on hold on a table by locks. an old man and a young one. Young man clutched. The old using a big fork and knife. Following the nice music the violin. Rhythmically slicing from the leg pieces(steak size) by pieces. Eat it like a steak on a nicely set table. A slow slow torture a slow slow meal. Both legs have been cleared of meat. He is still alive. Feeling the whole open wound agony and pain.
Have been hanging out with Bunny Evon Josh and Best Fren. Take loads of pics on Tuesday. Or Monday. Can't remember. Damn I wanna upload it but yea the whole damn connection really sucks... will upload asap. (I can upload like 2 only)
This look like band photo LOL (Adriel Me Josh and Bunny)
Cam whoring in the Loo(Evon Bunny Me)
Then there is Evon dirt smeared face. Making me fucking unglam cos I laugh like a growling beast(I lost my voice abit due to the excessive laughing) Her cute innocent face wa smeared with dirt like a commando. I laughed till I cried. And I seriously have tears rolling down and sniffing. Its the laughing fits coming up. Caught in video. My unglam moment woohoo~
RELATIONSHIP HULLABALOO
As for the whole mess(relationship) finally get it work through. I was greedy I admit. Both of them meant alot to me. Later part I reflect and search myself what do I really want. Me and Tim now end up friends. This is the better way. We are even better as friends the talks are not that intensified and more relax and comfortable. Conan I realise I miss him so much when he fly over to Brunei. Very human. When you have someone that love you alot and be there no matter what you take for granted. The more you can't get the more you want it. Thats what I am. But a more resonable self reflect and maybe prolong drag... I saw what is for me. Conan has been there even when I am been unfair to him. I always thought I don't love him enough. Most prolly due to sub conciously its there and I don't think I have to run for him. As times goes, after his departure, it kind of hit me. Why am I crying still and feeling misses when I chose Tim... I thought it will be a relief and escape. And then there is Daniel. We have not seen each other before but he came in during the part where I am going with Conan already. I admit there is attraction at first. He was so nice and sweet over texts and his blog. That really touch me. it was a crush I guess. And he is another one that I crush again. Cos be fair it won't work out. He can overcome some stuff which cause him can't meet me. Some people told me he is a fake. I don't want to believe that. But how can I with not picking up calls and meeting up... even when he say he love me alot... I don't bother if he is real or fake but lets remain friends and I am sorry that I have hurt you. I can't live in dreams anymore and thinking that everything is so perfect. And now yes I do love Conan and we are together. Some part of me felt sorry for what had happen and the only way is to give him my 100%. Not out of pity or whatsoever, its out of love. He know about me being skeptical bout love he said he want to let me see it feel it. Sweetness. We have been talking all nights. 14 more days he will be back in Singapore. I miss you.
I want to add something. I love reading my boyfie's(Conan) blog. He have beautiful passages enhance with deep mindset and out of box insights. It is always mind boggling and some are touching. Its really hot to see a darker side of him. Intriguing. He has a mind which I so want to be in. Very deep thinking and giving questions not why A is for apple.... but why A is for alligator. I hope you get what I mean. He is sweet nice the perfect boyfie that I love there is a darker side of him... that I lust so much.
Love is giving. I told him once during a very special intimate moment. And the whole process became magical.
Yesterday went to watch a movie with best fren... unplanned. 1408. God I get orgasm watching that. No don't get me wrong its not erotic kind. Its about realities and dimensions. How powerful is the evil realm. Stuck. Despair. Helpless. Imagine being brought to a box facing all kind of evil and fear. No way out. The best part is there is no gory monster and ghost demons any kind. Its the mind the eyes the heart. Human. Our life biggest fears in been magnify and intensify by the evil. Just to bring us to kill ourselves. Stephen King book. I love him.
On top of that I watched Hostel and Hostel 2. About helplessness again.
Have been hanging out with Bunny Evon Josh and Best Fren. Take loads of pics on Tuesday. Or Monday. Can't remember. Damn I wanna upload it but yea the whole damn connection really sucks... will upload asap. (I can upload like 2 only)
This look like band photo LOL (Adriel Me Josh and Bunny)
Cam whoring in the Loo(Evon Bunny Me)
Then there is Evon dirt smeared face. Making me fucking unglam cos I laugh like a growling beast(I lost my voice abit due to the excessive laughing) Her cute innocent face wa smeared with dirt like a commando. I laughed till I cried. And I seriously have tears rolling down and sniffing. Its the laughing fits coming up. Caught in video. My unglam moment woohoo~
RELATIONSHIP HULLABALOO
As for the whole mess(relationship) finally get it work through. I was greedy I admit. Both of them meant alot to me. Later part I reflect and search myself what do I really want. Me and Tim now end up friends. This is the better way. We are even better as friends the talks are not that intensified and more relax and comfortable. Conan I realise I miss him so much when he fly over to Brunei. Very human. When you have someone that love you alot and be there no matter what you take for granted. The more you can't get the more you want it. Thats what I am. But a more resonable self reflect and maybe prolong drag... I saw what is for me. Conan has been there even when I am been unfair to him. I always thought I don't love him enough. Most prolly due to sub conciously its there and I don't think I have to run for him. As times goes, after his departure, it kind of hit me. Why am I crying still and feeling misses when I chose Tim... I thought it will be a relief and escape. And then there is Daniel. We have not seen each other before but he came in during the part where I am going with Conan already. I admit there is attraction at first. He was so nice and sweet over texts and his blog. That really touch me. it was a crush I guess. And he is another one that I crush again. Cos be fair it won't work out. He can overcome some stuff which cause him can't meet me. Some people told me he is a fake. I don't want to believe that. But how can I with not picking up calls and meeting up... even when he say he love me alot... I don't bother if he is real or fake but lets remain friends and I am sorry that I have hurt you. I can't live in dreams anymore and thinking that everything is so perfect. And now yes I do love Conan and we are together. Some part of me felt sorry for what had happen and the only way is to give him my 100%. Not out of pity or whatsoever, its out of love. He know about me being skeptical bout love he said he want to let me see it feel it. Sweetness. We have been talking all nights. 14 more days he will be back in Singapore. I miss you.
I love talking to Conan. He gave me mind boggling questions... Why God does not forgive Adam biting a bite of the apple and able to forgive murderer? My ans- God did not forgive murderers or thieves at first. Remember Noah Ark? He destroy the living beings through the flood except for Noah and his family. During that time most people were sinning. He promised Noah that he will not destroy all again. And God fulfill his promise. The Laws were set and still murderer and thieves were not forgiven. In the law it was stated that commiting crime most prolly face punishment or death. Until Jesus came down the Law was taken away cos He took our sins and die for us. So now even if you are a murderer you repent you will be save. In the sense that you will face death but still goes to heaven await eternal life. I believe in God. Although what I am doing and my interest are not pleasing to him. I went to church at first earlier this year. After that I felt that when I am there I am not at ease. Cos of my sins weighing down on me. I know but I still want to try to control my life. Doing things I like to do. I am neutral. I don't hate God but not doing what he want me to do. I believe one day when I go back to go God(cos I know one day I will I believe in Him) and then as I look back how I am now, I will say what am I doing... I am sinning like no tomorrow. I didn't fall into temptations... I want to do it myself. Indulging in the 7 sins. Not regretting now. I don't want to put myself in difficult position cos what matter to me most is this life will not be wasted away the highest peak the deepest ocean I want to be there. Go through the climbing the diving.
I want to add something. I love reading my boyfie's(Conan) blog. He have beautiful passages enhance with deep mindset and out of box insights. It is always mind boggling and some are touching. Its really hot to see a darker side of him. Intriguing. He has a mind which I so want to be in. Very deep thinking and giving questions not why A is for apple.... but why A is for alligator. I hope you get what I mean. He is sweet nice the perfect boyfie that I love there is a darker side of him... that I lust so much.
(Conan and me)
Love is giving. I told him once during a very special intimate moment. And the whole process became magical.