The Voice Within

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I don't dare to say what are the fucking issues that are affecting cos I just feel its weird to say it out. Everyone ask me what is it about. And this not what I want. I don't write it for attention for god sake. Its not like any publicity and this doesn't feel good at all.

What I really want?

That the right person will come and ask and care.

I like someone.

A lil crazy tho...

And I was bored I did this...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Monday, July 30, 2007

I think alot...
I worry alot...

I am surfing through my myspace friend lists and came across this person, Talon Zachary, 'about me' profile. I felt like crying. Before going any further we don't even know each other. Talon is just like another me in another part of the world. There are these things that I know I am feeling and thinking about clearly inside but I was never able to put it out as clearly as he has. And through that I recognise myself more. And we exchange a lil at myspace.

I am afraid of dying. The feeling of myself dead under tall huge pile of soil where the world above you still go on with their life as if you never exist. And although I am a christian at heart(i have stop attending church tho) I wonder if I can still feel myself or is it another me... will I remember the world I once stayed? I don't want to be a new person not knowing my worldly self. I am afraid of sickness and diseases that cause me pain and death. I would rather die happily in drug overdose like ecstasy. At least I die happily and feel good before it. And I have a choice... I choose to die and not being force my sickness and diseases fighting to the last drip to survive but you know you will die anyway. Its too tired and too painful...

So I was obsess with vampires.

I always know that some things when I am older I can't do it anymore. So I do it now everything as much as possible no matter if it is legal or illegal. The price is higher when you are older if it is illegal. Its as if I am trying to live everyday like my last. And I will let the person know how I feel very soon... cos I don't want to left anything unsaid. Instead I spent lots of time thinking and worrying. Waiting always cause uncertainties which thats why I dislike it. Thinking and hoping life will take a better turn next minute. Which lead to me been a really impatient person. And like Talon said it has taken too much of our life. I know but this is just me and I don't want it too.

I always want to get what I want...
worry that I will fall again...
thinking that nothing good will happen to me...
My impatient attitude cause my down sliding emotions...

Friends are perfect... mostly. As I look closer, I have alot of them come and go. I don't know who will stay long. I maybe so close to you as if you are my bestie today, and the next day we go on with our life throwing each other existence to a corner of our brain. I can't handle friends with too much baggage cos I still can't handle myself well yet. And yes I have to admit that I have great peeps but did anyone of them really know whats going on in me? Of course no, cos I don't show it that way and tell them.

You all see Trish/Fox/XX as the happy cheerful funny girl, but you never know her.

My folks don't know whats going on with me too. Whenever I am at home I just feel like I am another person. And my ugly sides start to come out. There are good parent seriously. Loving and caring but when things turn ugly which always because of disagreement, we have the heartless family dramas. I am always angry and easily irritated. Its like I am not happy at all. And then I found out, because this is home. Outside I have been suppressing all the negatives stuff by laughing been happy. When I reach home its all released. I can't handle more than 5 questions at home. Well if I can tell or confide in my folks everything at home things will be nicer. But they will not see my problems as problems cos it is small compare to theirs and I want to be independent. Sometimes we have war, if I will to say that will magnified my weaknesses.

Shamefully, emotions and feelings due to relationship issues is affecting me the most. Cos they are not material stuff that are easier to get. Its person. How alot of people thinking that I am hot pretty sexy seductive whatever, ok its compliment and I love it but that doesn't improve my life any better. Looks are just bias quality for judging. I am very selective and always its not the right selection. Believe me when I say I face umpteen times of rejections. Not everyone love me and I feel I do not have any nice characters that are lovable. And so I am so skeptical about love. Its just doesn't come my way. And somehow I have to know that life isn't all about love. I gotta grasp that.

Notice my presence not because how I look or dress, feel something beautiful in me not out of me.

Experienced something depressing just now, I was napping at around 6 7 plus, and half way I woke up its all dark and lil light falling in at the door. It gave me a feeling of loneliness and the light is so far away. And then I was groggy and a very deep heavy feeling. That I am going to cry anytime. The sudden coldness of death and loneliness. The thought of at the end of the day I am going to die and I will be losing everything. Will I lose or miss something that I have not done ... And I don't know what exactly it is, something is missing or left my life. All i can do, is I force myself back to sleep.

And my brother just came back. He just broke up with his girlfriend and is very depressed. How he felt that he lose everything and how meaningless it is. A very big and important part of him is gone. This is the very first time I see him like that. And I feel totally for him. His eyes something which I never see in my bro before, the sadness the hurt the betrayal. I do not blame the girl, its something my bro need to wake up from cos he need to change himself. How each words he confide pains me. At that moment we both totally connect. He look lifeless.

I am wondering that what I experienced in my sleep has anything to do with my bro. We are really close you see. That I am connecting to his feeling. We have our fair share of nasty words and fights.But he is one person that I am sure that I love. Sometime I feel more than anyone in this world.

If you did look at my blog, all the negative stuffs are pushed back but they come back sooner or later...

Lets settle some scores first...

*look below post
yes that is it... well... it doesn't bother me at all and its over... over. Like since 2 weeks ago? Yea so just like that. =)

And well I sucks cos I have not been attending school. Cos admittingly, I don't have enough self discipline.

My hp bills was not paid on time cos mummy think I overused. She is still nice after that borrowing me her hp. Activate back on Mon(so I think later) I guess.

Me, my bro and his gf did crazy stuff on fri. And it goes.... Mum and dad not happy with me and brother cos we have not been attending school, his gf overstay at our house and overspending this week( we have already took more than our allowance. P.s I bought extensions dyes lots of hair stuff). And we want more cos we spent all and they don't give. So as a revenge we did the most outrageous thing.. ok at least to us.
WE TOOK OUR HOME THEATRE SET SPEAKER AND SOME RANDOM DVDS VCDS(LEGAL) AND BROUGHT TO THE CASH CONVERTER.

=D

Sweet and we get that little cash anyway. After what we did I am quite sad cos I suddenly miss it. But before it was kept in my bro room so it was not use at home. They have yet to find out.

Sat Sun went for tapestry. I really want to remember all the names, this have never been an easy task for me. But I think I am getting there. So here it goes... Lin, Arshanti, Aries, Ary, Jolyn, Mervyn, Ziyang, Hansen, Prabs, batman...... and there people come and leaving the grp so it is not easy to remember. The sun Mervyn, Adib, Jolyn, Ary, Halim, Lin, Arshanti, Ziyang around there. So lets just look at some of them the pics I took on my mum hp.

Arshanti and Fox

Prabs and Fox

Fox and Hansen

Fox and Jolyn

Mervyn and Fox

Fox and Batman

And everybody start to wonder who is this guy..
haaha... I am not telling

Snap Snap in the loo

I saw a corset at Far East that cost 49.90... I so want it!!!!!!
And I snap some in the changing room. M16

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Its like this you and me....

We met and everything was fun with little bits of intensity. And you don't know all the dates ad first move stuff you ask me to teach you... yea I did and I literally let myself into your web. You tell me I am different and how much worth our relationship going to be. How you feel contended with my presence.
You tried the stuff I taught on another girl. You told me and say its nothing... I am o with it at first cos its no big deal. Your words thats why. you make it sound so simple and nothing more. And YOU FUCK ME. Yea crude eh... If I can said it here to jepordise myself, you must know what shit you have done.
Jealousy. I am jealous when I got to know I am not the most awesome you think anymore and its her. The sucks part will be you are not happy when I have guys around me when they are only friends... So what is it.. You are damn selfish. I still let you feel and know the care and how important you are. But you took me for granted.
Confusion. You said you are confuse. But you seem to be relaxing with her. I godamn well listen to you. You ask me to wait for you, you ask me to give you time I did. I was been thrown aside. And you said I am too good too perfect for you.

Why do you text me yesterday you miss me... when your misses for her is publicize and mine is in the dark. I did not reply you cos I can't my phone bills not yet paid. And honestly what I will reply...I miss you too. Yesterday. Today I saw your blog and its SO CONTRADICTING. Yea now I still do but its a different kind. I miss the you when you think I am the most awesome.

I stop thinking of you since the fuck off incident... 2weeks ago... Its kind of hurting at first but I get over it cos as I think back its not big deal anymore... your worthiness is zero when I saw how I was thrown aside and been pick back some other times and off again... I have no patient and you know that... you seriously sense that too... I did called you once this week cos I was reminded of you at bukit batok.

Why I am blabbering all this now... Cos you lied. I told you before... I know lies sooner or later. And its a matter if I am going to expose not... but your blog today, tell me or her, which is the truth... You said you felt nothing for her but in your blog you feel oh so much as if its Shakespeare story. You are more star than that fucking Romeo. I won't be so fucking angry if you never text me you miss me yesterday, I may even feel nothing at all. Its not jealousy but how you try to manipulate me.

Ah she give you the feeling of fairy tale love? I am practical person and I don't create romance... She is Danielle Steel I am Anne Rice... I let you see the irony of everything and how ugly a person can be. How perfect I can live in a world where people think its not. Oh you said I am weird. Thats why. You told me you want to spent one night with me and we should know each other 2 yrs ago.. Oh my fucking god... I SAW YOUR BLOG AND YOU COMMENT TO HER THE FUCKING SAME THING...

I have the tendencies to blame myself when things happen... but now I am not...

I didn't say I love you before which is true

So I have to face I am not what you wanted she is everything you wanted...

And I saw the lies you weave and the manipulation.

I despise you for that.

oh i don't hate you... you did make me smile you did give me nice memories... and once your care for me means everything.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Yesterday~ Morning when I finally made my way to school everything was screwed.

-Forgot about my jacket run back
-Forgot my student card but I am at the bustop already
-late for UT and so I din do my test

And I tell myself it is going to be okay in the afternoon...

And we had fun the whole class doing a short video of violence and sex. More of mild kind we done. I was named the gang leader and the one who got gang rape~ its a real funny video and it crack even the teacher up. Its actually our topic for communication class and I guess my classmates are doing it for fun.... damn I realise now I don't even know the purpose of that video LOL...

And there... Jess and her friend were sweet yesterday... I was like grumbling I don't want to go home so early and they cheer me up giving me support. I was kind of tired and start talking craps(I always do). So I start calling some peeps just to say hi asking how are they and I called Tim to hang out =)

Met at City Hall and then later went to Esplanade. Yea we have loads of stuff to talk about. LOADS haaha... It was nice and sweet... And he made me laugh and crapping bout stuff that made me jump and wanted hit him hard... LOL In fact everything is like real fun. This is the up slope of the day mann...

(Oh thats not us anyway LOL)
So I was late home. I don't feel like going back with such nice company and I had been real sick and tired of my tag these past few weeks. Its like making me out of breath mann... The cisco officer actually came up to my house and I got a violation form... damn... but I have a great excuse and hope it works... oh mann... I truly hope it will... Make sure this is not going to happen again... damn.. SELF COTROL AND DISCIPLINE (which is very lacking in me)

I woke up at 11.45am and miss school. Hate it... I failed =( nah I will just try again and again... Its that cursed hour of 7 and 8 that is my weakest. ~~ Oh I haven't call my officer yet... Its difficult when you are going to lie... I don't really like lying to her... damn.

Oh yea... I cam whore in class abit yesterday sharing some pics here.. A closer glance on how I look like now =)

Use my webcam... I just figure that damn function

And so Saiful happen to be beside me I grab him in for a shot =)

This is my web cam one again I guess...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Yeah got rid of my blue hair and I had it dye blackish brown. Put on extension that it reaches my tummy! =D Yea longer than my previous one. But closer look you can see the color difference of my real hair and the extended one. Anyway I am satisfied now with it now.

The changes in 5 days... =D

1st pic- Its faded violet pink(ok i admit it is pink now yucks) and I think it look more wild bright vibrant... I took out my extension I don't know why. Previously with extension and just dyed nice hair color its my favorite from my other canvas.

2nd pic- Ok don't be fool it is actually blue and mix some of dirty green(i don't know from where) and it make my face look dead. And when I dress up I RADIATE MY MALE HORMONES LOL As it fade(cos I hate it and wash and wash) there is some grey as if an old woman trying to act punk with blue hair~

3rd pic- Tried dying with blackish brown to overlap the color.. kind of suceed but there are some remnant signs of blue and pink... but its not that obvious. The extension color are different but kind of blending. Its longer than my previous extension. Of course I felt more feminine and I hope I can do big hair still =D

Anyway, my wish now is to blend all my hair color and bleach my fringe or color some violet pink back...

Heheh kinda lots of hair stuff eh LOL ok this may be a bored post... but I blog what I like haaha
Credit to my bro for staying up so late to help me extend my hair(I help him extend some too) and my mum dying my hair. Loves <3

Ok I can't remember when but yea say I am stupid there at the screen haaha... I asked Tim what is LMAO(STUPID) cos he use it and other people use it too and everytime I would goes =D its a safe(neutral) smiley... but I can't take it that day and so I ask him what it is so its laugh my ass off... I have to put it to the smallest cos its rather emarassing LOL LMAO

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Haziq ride me to buy Hair dye and we went exploring at a haunted stretch in Rifle Range!! It was a cool experience!! And after that went for a walk down Desker Rd... It was fun I am stupid at times when I just stand there and look at all the vibrators and condoms, it was too dark there so I just wanna check it out. He just continue walking and did not notice I was left behind. And after that he found out and I notice his absent we caught with each other and have a good laugh LOL. Its sweet cos he have to rush off to a wedding and still ride me there but anyway I took a bus home cos he was late already. Thanks a million dude or I won't be on time mann...

And so now my fucking hair is blue. Its alright actually since some peeps say its nice while others think my previous one is better. Personally, I don't want blue... =( I was just trying out... Most prob I have two choices now...
-Fringe red and the rest black
-Brown on whole head with streaks

I dunnoe... lets see what come my way.. but I am not letting it stay till next weekend.

My nights have been great haaha... with Tim the Man company.. Online duh... and youtube haaha... and these leads to sleeping at 6 7 8 in the morning almost everyday. I am not complaining =D Well its nice chatting with him and I have never talk so much online with someone before... I mean the longest stretches to 12 hours... and still I am not bored. The excitement and anticipation is still there!!! I am rather into him right now gawd... Oh how I am wishing like a child he meant what he said this morning although I see it as a joke or remark or as a tease. He makes me smile and get me on my nerve sometimes. LOL For now he is a great friend... I wonder if he gets tired since its like everyday and all nights haaha...

My hair has been on my mind all day what the hell am I going to do with it... damn I even dreamt about it... LOL AArrrghhh!! Get it done asap mann... damn.

Yesterday met up with Bryan J, Ziyang, Arshanti, Jo, Lin, Ary, Batman, Evan, one guy I forgot the name and met Best fren on the way. Saw Shar too haaha. Hang out for a while at town and I shoo home.

Friday, July 20, 2007

You all know how people come and tell you that you look like this person and that... I have got people telling me I look like:

Skye Sweetnam

Mika Nakashima

Beyonce

I will update when I come back going to buy hair dye!!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Alright woke up at 4.15pm cos I am at the lappie till 8plus morning. Rush to report to officer and that is when the shit start....

6.15 Reached Cisco

6.17 Officer called mum about my progress. Her thoughtless insensitive words---
-Never go school
-Screw my lil sis
-my hair is actually colored although I spray black to reporting
-my lip ring

6.18 My brother was at home heard that and tell me

6.19 Called mum and screw her back and say lots of nasty things---
-you are a cunning cunt
-fuck you
-she ruin my life my dream
-I don't care if she die
-!@#$%^&*

6.21 Called my bro and start crying like fuck and he consoled me
He said he is leaving the house... and advice not to breach my tag

6.25 Called my officer and tell her I am not happy with all these and she ask me to calm down and take a walk....
( I actually stroll on the corridor and bawl)

Till 6.45 I am talking to my bro, wallow in self pity, thinking how life is so cruel since 2003 and bawling like a baby.
(damn I sound like a sissy)

In fact I still love both my parent alot... I love you all its just that we always say nasty things when we quarrel

And so I manage to see my officers and they think they see another side of me. I am so angry, sad, hurt, disappointed and ashame. So I said this which I don't really mean it-

Send me back to prison now since the prison van is all downstair, if not by 12am tonight I will cut off my tag and run.. so handcuff me now or I run.

Moment of anger....

Stupid thoughts...

As I walk back to the station it is already 8.25pm and I still have not stop crying cos today I suppose I guess that they are talking bout my supervision and when my tag removed... everything was flushed. I told them do they fucking understand the feeling of tagging... Like a dog mann... Just imagine been tagged and you know how it feel... I am too lazy to explain.

Its at night and not alot of people at the pathway and walkway so I cried and cried as much as I want. Everything that hurt me in the past weeks released...which I just hide behind laughters and ignorance. And then Bestie,my bro and my officer called how I am and advice me. At that moment I feel loved...( I know wtf) and was touched... so I bawl more. I told my bro I love him. I just feel like telling him an he thought I wanted to die LOL and yea that make me laugh. So I did some self process thinking and thats what I realise about expectations...

SET EXPECTATIONS TO SATISFY OURSELVES RATHER THAN TO DISAPPOINT US.

At that moment I realise its not that bad and I ask my officer if I can remove my tag on Oct if I prove it to her that I can do better and she answered why not....

=D

Yea... so I hope its not words that she said cos she want me to go home tonight. Its really a struggle for me.. my bro is leaving already and now I have to fight for myself to finish this race. Kind of feel lonely without my bro... Minutes ago he came back and took his passport I am sad that he don't give a damn bout his studies and its like my fault somehow... cos I didn't go sch myself in what position can I say him... I jus tell him pls take your O this year pls.... and he say he will visit me often and anything is just a phonecall away... damn I feel like crying...
(he is younger than me) His friends came over too and we actually took a pic... he scolded me at this time I still cam whore in my room... and I took a pic of his friend who have cool hair and look abit like Jay Chou(ok why am I thinking everyone look like Jay chou now) LOL

My bro is the one with a fuck face trying to be funny(with spect) and Dylan wearing black and white and the other one is Colin(who can speak chinese as fluent).

Okay I kind of look like fuck here after all the tears and my hair is sprayed black

Felt renewed again... and Tim just send a song which is exactly my mood now=) It start with a slow sad rhythmic and then after that everything is hyped up. Well its great and I am listening to it over and over...
Hyper~~~

CANON ROCK BY SYMPHERIS

Anyway when I manage to reach home mum ask to go eat a dinner in a VERY NICE WAY. Really. I din't look at her and was shock for a moment... ok... I so wanted to say sorry... and just she ask me to watch a talkshow about prisoner integrating back to society. She is all nice now...
Damn I will tell her tomorrow. Oh I actually bought a cup noodle back home because I thought they will cotinue to be nasty and clear away the food also I would like to show that I BOUGHT my own food to eat and rather eat theirs... but at last I ate the food they kept for me...
What a daughter~

(have the cup noodle for supper then >_<)

And so today... I never go school again!! Its was fun though even with my mum... doing some ROLE PLAYING STUFF haaha...

Morning----
I did not sleep all the way actually and my mum came knocking at my door to wake me up for school.... I lied said I was changing and she was surprise that I woke up so early. And I was actually still in front of my lappie... I had to curse and change some clothes to put up a nice show. i am shagged actually so I was like walking around the house to show her I am busy. Mummy was glad and we have a nice conversation then. The moment she step out, I changed back and sleep. SWEETNESS~ =D

Night----
Mummy called back and I answered(I seldom answer phone calls at home). She thought I am Anna(my maid). I feel funny she continue to talk to me as if I am my maid. So I continue with her too. Before she hang up I LOL and slam the phone before she say anything. I am crazy... adding a little spice in house baby!!

After drama... went over to some peeps house and we got surprise for Best Friend!! It was a last min thing but everything turns out perfect still =D Happy Birthday Bestie!! And well its totally fun there slacking. I so want it everyday but yea... in fact I love schooling too... its just that it is a task to get my butt there on time. We took lots of pictures in other cam and o my own lousy camera phone I have Tim and mine taken =D Yay!! LOL I felt vertically challange standing by his side. o.O Well chatting with him these few nights which include lots of Sebastian Bach Vids and some really nice vids... Timmy the Man like to hit my nerve to strip me naked LITERALLY by emphasising my dark fantasy LOL He make me fall in love again............. with Sebastian Bach! Well he is a great companion all this while when I can't sleep=) okay I sound so 1900-PLS-TALK-TO-ME-I-AM-BORED haaha...

I just got a fucking good vid from him... check it out.

And the face of Tim and Trish =)

And basically it was not perfectly taken. I look fat and he look chinese here... so with courtesy from Tim the Man I post another one of him and that Suhoon guy=D
Okay talking bout Khai(suhoon, I have to be nice about tis) he lent me some studs for tomorrow reporting so I must be nice now till I give him back >_< style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">Khai =D

And then tomorrow is reporting to officer again.. she said she is going to discuss about my tag and the possibility of removing it is like..... 10%?? I am not confident... well I gotta be patient fucking damn it!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Okay... I have not really sleep from Sat night to Monday. Ad I finally get to sleep on Tues midnight. Ok in short the timeline is like this. Sat 3.15pm to Tues 3.45am(not asleep but i get only 3hrs of sleep in between) So I was shagged like been banged continously for 500 times.

Sunday went for a date with Min to Subway and then Esplanade. Took some pics and it is quite cool.

(Esplanade Library)

Halfway need to rush off and met up with Khai Suhoon and Arshanti with Best Friend. Some stuffs. Tim the Man is a pilot. Anyway we head to Penin after slacking for a while at Esplanade. And that, I wanna ask mummy for $$ to buy some stuffs.
-beanie
-T-shirts(3)
-skinny jeans(2)
-wrist stud

(With Arshanti... POSTMANNNNNN!!)

(Khai Suhoon the 'funny not funny Ifah'... see as I said he is always trying to be funny)

In bus on the way home I am dozing off but when I reach home with my lappie its a different thing. I chatted with Tim the man till 5plus am and head to sch. Great I still manage to go haaha. Its like a little war struggling to keep myself awake. In class I nap during break but there is always something crop up that I can't rest for more than 1/2 hour. 2nd break met up with a new friend Bryan from the band call Psychotherapy. He is the founder if I am not wrong. Best frien d and the usual group were with me too. Guess what? He is the same blood mixture as me!! But minus the portugese. We took a pic in the lift. And one shot it is perfect.

(Bryan J from Psychotherapy. A very soft-spoken metalhead I had seen)

Ok I have to add in some not so pleasant stuff on Monday too but its great cos all turn perfect after that. Morning first. As I took the bus to bb to meet up best friend, 3 AVI kids came and sit around me. They wanted to find out if I am a malay or chinese so you can imagine the typical boys conversation then laughing and saying those unkind words with the the stares up and down. My tolerance hit jackpot when 1 of them start to talk bout my tag.

MOMENT OF SHAME

I turn around to the idiot behind me coming so close and keep asking bout my race.

ME: What the fuck you want and trying to do do?!

IDIOT: No la just want to make friend with you you no need like this la... don't want don't want lor... (stifle a laugh) eh can or not?

ME: YOU WANT TO PLAY PUNK WITH ME IS IT?!

IDIOT: No.

Silence and people turn around and look.

MOMENT OF VICTORY

Later in the night on the way home I was caught by NEA for throwing cig on the ground. Also at bb... Of course I was ask for particular and everthing. But I am so tired and easily irritated with the lack of sleep I burst again. I keep on blabbering saying you all get commission by all these, blame them this kind of people govt dog cause us going prison again etc... then I called best friend he ask me to stop talking and he want to talk to me. I ask him shutup cos no point saying anything as I will be fined anyway and fuck off cos in a while more if he is still here I am going to beat him. Then I look around... and I actually teared. Embarassed by the stares, angered at my own luck and feeling so tired. He said

Take it that I never see you today before.

=D

I actually heard it but I make him repeat again. Then thank him and apologised. I pratically staggered the opposite way cos I wanted to find someplace to cool down. And then I meet up with my brother and laugh about myself. Anyway I am still thankful for his leniency. And so when I reached home and face my lappie again... end up I slept at 3plus am. Woke up at 3plus pm. Trashy. Waste a day of my life away again.

*Check out pics 2 post down BANDZOUT AND GAS HAUS GIG, just got them and it is loves woohoo~*

Monday, July 16, 2007

I am addicted to:

Blueberry and Strawberry Yogurt